These hard times are hurting just about everyone, but jobless married men pose a particular kind of problem because of the likelihood that many of them, so fundamentally capable, will contribute nothing of value to a household because they are angry and depressed. Coming home with pink slips, they are soon using up days sulking, eating, drinking and watching television.
The sad fact that men once beat their children upon arrival home from work because mothers reported bad behavior says a lot about men. For one thing it says that men readily agree to assume roles, no matter how distasteful, that society assigns them. Maybe not especially willingly or happily but, clearly, they have done so. Certainly their role of sacrificing in war, without demanding that women join them, should be acknowledged.
The major male role through the years has been, of course, full-time work that supports a family and confers a sense of identity and worth. Nowadays women also feel entitled to jobs, money and position, but women don’t suffer the handicaps of maleness. When we lose a paying job, money becomes a big issue and there is concern for the family well being. But we don’t collapse, psychically and emotionally, or lose our sense of personal value. We have meals to cook, laundry to do, stovetops to clean, sisters to call, friends to lunch with, cat box litter to change, elderly parents to check on.
Jobless men need help and attention in this economic climate that may last for some time. But as the grim old woodshed history shows, they are unlikely to take the initiative to improve their own situation. It’s not that they willfully shun the myriad of household tasks routinely done by women with efficiency and dispatch, although they generally do. It is more a lack of confidence about how to perform domestic tasks well (and being unwilling to invite what comes across as ridicule), combined with resentment that the work for which they feel most suited is being denied them.
An employed wife doesn’t have to help her unemployed husband with this painful dilemma. She can just grab her briefcase and leave him in the recliner. But if she doesn’t help, she’ll be sorry. His sitting around drinking is obviously not a viable option but more important, it only makes him feel, and be, more worthless and depressed. She can do much to help him maintain dignity and continue to contribute.
Make it clear that she finds him attractive and desires him. It won’t necessarily lead to an experience that leaves Anthony and Cleopatra looking like librarians. Adverse circumstances unfortunately can affect mood and capabilities. But it’s critical that he not suspect that she would rather be upstairs with some Wall Street investment banker who for some reason is still in his job. If the intimate relationship survives tough times, everything else will probably work out.
Help him to see that a jobless husband is very like a traditional female homemaker in terms of the importance of household maintenance and management. Reassure him that departure from traditional roles is not a threat to anyone. Work out a way to keep the home in a condition worthy of themselves and their children. Needless to say, no criticism of how he cleans the bathtub the following week should be forthcoming.
Make sure he starts preparing for another career, be it cab driving, graphic design or landscaper. If there are realistic prospects in his present field, he should be job hunting. If that is too demoralizing for him, ways must be found to keep him busy and productive. A jobless husband who spends an afternoon cultivating the backyard vegetable garden is likely to greet the evening rather tired but feeling satisfied and optimistic.
Finally, cook dinner together, if possible straining spaghetti with a tennis racket as America’s beloved Jack Lemmon did in “The Apartment.” The comforts of food and fun have sustaining power in hard times, perhaps enough to last until better times return.
These hard times are hurting just about everyone, but jobless married men pose a particular kind of problem because of the likelihood that many of them, so fundamentally capable, will contribute nothing of value to a household because they are angry and depressed. Coming home with pink slips, they are soon using up days sulking, eating, drinking and watching television.
